Keeping in Touch

Thank God tonight is almost over!

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 09:52:38 GMT

Wow, what a week.
First, the person we are buying our house is crazy. I knew this all along, but I did not realize just how crazy. He falsified papers at the water company and had our water turned off mid-week, trying to force us to give him back the house and property with all the improvements we have made, I guess so he can re-sell it for more money. So we had to come up with $5,000 on the spur of the moment and hire an attorney to file an injunction so we can get the water turned back on while we are waiting to go to court! Hopefully the water will be back on in the next few days, but meanwhile we are hauling water by tanks in a pickup. My aunt took one of the horses back to her house, and we are adjusting some other things to make them more water conservative. But it means taking Tara to Billis or getting a motel to do baths and stuff. That he would do this knowing all about Tara and Karma is infuriating to me. I can not even express my outrage coherently.
Then, I was scheduled to work my 4 day weekend. I signed up for an extra day (making it 5 in a row 12 hour shifts on a holiday weekend) both because the unit needed help and because I need the money for the attorney. So, guess what? It was one of the most insane Weekends I have ever worked at this hospital. We have 2 times as many babies as we have been having lately, they are all very, very sick, and everyone is running like crazy people.
I interviewed for a part time/PRN home health job this week as well, where I could pick up some hours closer to home and not have the long commute or so much time away from Tara. I am not sure how it went. I think if I was willing to quit my job in Dallas and work for them full time I would have definitely been offered a position on the spot, but they really want someone full time, so I am not sure what if anything they might offer me. And they know about Tara, so if I do take a job with them, I will be starting out honestly, just like I did here at the hospital. I don't like the idea of getting a job and then mentioning, oh, by the way, I have a daughter with extensive medical needs and will expect you to be understanding and accomodating about it. That just doesnt seem right. :-)
I have been getting a bit of exercise and tracking what I eat this week, and am hoping it shows on the scale. I finally figured out how to do squats to build up those muscles! It was by accident, but I have done several sets this week, and BOY do my Thighs feel it! Yikes.
My sister is in California with the baby. Hopefully having a good time and also still working her business. I would so love to see her get one of the free computers that the company is giving away. I plan on Mom and I both earning one too, but will have to really work this week to reach that goal. I do have a business meeting in the morning with 2 people in person, and I have 3 phone appts scheduled already in the afternoon. Hopefully that will get me started toward my goal.
Tara is growing up way too fast! It is amazing how much she changes day by day. I miss her so much when I work this many shifts in a row. I can't wait to spend tomorrow with her.
Oh, something great that happened this week is my aunt got me a bed! A full sized bed that Tara can take naps on with me! I wanted a real bed so badly the past few months, that I can't wait to get home tomorrow and be able to spend the next few nights sleeping on it!
Well, I have to run and take care of babies. All the babies I have taken care of this week have genetic anomalies. It has been tough, physically, professionally, and emotionally. I feel so badly for some of these parents. I so wish that I could do something to make this all easier or better for them, but all I can do is pray and trust in God that they will have feel his strength and comfort to get them through this.
Lori

Tara is doing great!

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 07:28:47 GMT

Saw her ENT and her Pulmonologist last week. She is (mostly) doing fantastic. Her ENT had said before that Tara would need sinus surgery every 3 to 6 months... but 3 months ago we started using the non-toxic household products, at the same time as her last sinus and ear surgery. So this week her ENT was amazed at how good her ears and sinuses were. We did a hearing test and the hearing loss that we saw 3 months ago is healing itself and he said he doesnt need to see her again until there is an infection or problem. No guesses about how long it will be before she needs another surgery, but he didnt act like he thought it would be in the near future. Then the next day we went to the Pulmonologist and said that her asthma was the best it had ever been! He is even going to look at the products that we are using to maybe use in his office or even his home. :-)
We are having some issues with Vitamin absorbtion right now. The doctor has majorly increased the vitamin dosage she is on. We may do some intracellular vitamin level lab tests in a few months if she is still showing signs of not absorbing her nutrients well enough. She is still bruising more than normal, even with decreasing the asthma meds.
She is growing up so fast. She is talking and communicating better every day. She dances to music, and says the funniest things! LOL She is constantly testing the limits!
I am so happy that we found something as easy as changing our cleaning and personal care products that is making such a differance for her health. I can't believe nobody told us how horribly some of those daily exposures to fumes could make her sick! LOL So I am telling everyone at work! Whether they choose to make any changes is up to them, but I will know that the people I know and care about have gotten the information!
Well, its almost time for Zane to eat. I spent alot of time with his and Hannahs moms tonight. Tons of education and empowering these two first time moms. I am TIRED! Ready for morning to come and the bed to be available. LOL
Lori

Goals Aug 2006

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 10:35:53 GMT

Here are several catagories of goals for this month

Fitness goals:
Take my measurements and record them this week
Work out 5 days each week, working back up to a body for life schedule
Track my food at least 3 days a week
Lose 4 pounds or more

Social goals:
Attend at least 2 social events this month (one being a church event)
Send cards and pics to Dad and to the kids
Send cards and emails to new customers/business partners
Gather addresses for Christmas card list
Post at least 1 time a week on Livejournal and at least 1 time a week on another board

Nursing Goals:
Do at least 10 CEUs
Join a nursing association
Study for my CRN test

Business:
8 new enrollees
10 appointments a week
2 Dani Johnson calls per week
2 Melaleuca training calls a week
Participate in Fast Track
--- Earn the watch!
Follow up with prospective referals
follow up with new customers from last month
Pics to Melaleuca for recognition in next months mags (me and Mom)
Submit updated Customer Agreement

Ready for a Fantastic Month!

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 10:13:48 GMT

I am going to go to a meeting for "Team in Training" this week. This is The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training® program that gives you all sorts of professional training to prepare for a marathon (or triatholon, or Ironman... your choice) if you raise money for the LLS by participating in an event. I am really excited for a couple of reasons. I have ALWAYS wanted to run/walk a marathon (I would love to run one, but dont have the confidence in my ability to become that athletic to make that a goal... it is still a dream, but I know I can train to be able to walk, or do a combo of walking and running) and this might be a real chance for me to accomplish that dream. I also think that this will be a way for me to meet more people who are interested in things I am interested in and beleive strongly about... improving my fitness, making healthier choices, living a healthier lifestyle in any way we can. I am so annoyed by so many of the nurses I work with and their attitude toward healthy living practices. So many of them are either willfully ignorant or totally indifferant to whether the things they are doing are going to enhance or detract from the general health and fitness of themselves and their families. Most are not willing to do even simple things like limiting sugar or soda for themselves or their children, even when they DO know the consequences. GRRRR. Anyway, I figure people who are training to do a marathon, especially to aid cancer victims, are much more likely to be aware. They are willing to get out of the house and DO something, and want to improve themselves and help others. They are unlikely to smoke, so they are people Tara could be around if I make friends. People who are interested/educated about cancer treatment are likely to be knowledgable and accepting about the infection control things I do for Tara... many are similar to those used for immunologically supressed people like chemo patients. She can't be around sick people, drink from public water fountains, eat ice from public ice machines, things like that. I just am really excited about doing something proactive that is focusing on WELLNESS enhancement rather than illness. I love taking care of the babies, but sometimes having my life so constantly swamped with illness and death is overwhelming and unempowering. There are so many things that are NOT in my control, that focusing on some positive things that ARE in my control is refreshing and exciting.
As a side benefit, it should help me keep losing weight and build a stronger body. I am having trouble getting back into a fitness routine and I think this might be a great motivator and give me people to be accountable to for following through with my weekly goals.
I am thinking of joining a new website called Vitality for Life (VFL.com) that has food and exercise trackers plus alot of other features to start tracking my stuff. It costs to join, but you get money back if you log in and log your meals every day... so there is a real financial incentive to follow through, which might work well for me! LOL and I love the sound of some of the features. Have to see how the finances go the rest of this month first. I got a bonus from Melaleuca this month for refering several new customers and reaching director status, but my car is in the shop so we have to see how things balance out.
I am going to post my goals for the month under a differant post, so that people can skip it easily. :-) I mostly put them in here for my benefit anyway (and because mom and Angel read them and that makes me somewhat accountable to follow through!)

I am taking care of a gut baby that has alot in common with Tara when she was little. Her mom made me feel very good tonight by telling me that I am making this all much easier for her and she doesnt know what she would have done without me as "H"s nurse. That knowing I have been there and gotten through it is giving her strength. The pics of Tara I shared when her baby was still very small of her with her colostomy and her now as an active 2 year old have really given her hope and a way to see beyond this long difficult hospital stay. That was really good for me to hear right now. I am not feeling very effectual or fulfilled in my job at the moment, and the parents that I really connect with are a big part of what keeps me going and being positive about my job.
One of my best friends here at work is leaving in 3 weeks. It really bums me out. There are not that many people I feel that I am really friends with, and while she is a bit nuts, she is definitely a friend.

Tara is growing so fast. She is talking more and more. She has the most beautiful, giving spirit. I have never met a 2 year old with so much empathy. I told "H"s mom tonight that I think these kids who have been through so much as babies must have a special spirit. Tara always asks me when I get home from work if the babies are okay... and when I am leaving or am at work and talk to her on the phone she askes if I am "fixing the babies". She is a normal 2 year old and can be selfish and bratty, but she can also be so incredibly gentle and concerned for others. If me or mom lays down during the day, she will come in and stroke our head and ask, "head hurt?" If you say no, then she asks, "you okay or sleepy eyes?" very concerned and serious and quiet. And she gets so incredibly upset if Karma is crying and nobody does anything about it right away. Lord I love her so much! She is having some kind of a vitamin K problem. Bruising, low WBC, High Pt and PTT, horrible rash on her butt and lower back. We gave daily Vit K doses in addition to the ADEK she always gets for 1 week and the bruising cleared up. Backed off (per Dr. orders) to 1 dose a week and the bruising started coming back. Now the rash is coming back too. We see Dr. M. this week (her pulmonologist) along with Dr. Trone (her ENT) and I think I am going to push to have more labs done. I dont want to let her get into some kind of serious vitamin problem because everyone is sloughing it off as "shes a 2 year old, they get bruises". Someone I work with is in therapy and there is a man in her group that has an 11 year old girl with CF. He is very depressed because she has been so sick the last several months and he is not emotionally prepared for it. She was talking to me about it and I almost started crying. It is so unfair that the doctors don't push more for the families to be realistic about the kids health. You can't be doom and gloom. They need laughter and joy and hope in their lives. But to not be emotionally prepared at all for them to really be sick as children or teens isn't fair to the kids or the parents. This man is not able to be there for his very sick child, or presumably the rest of his family because he can't even cope with his own emotions. On the other hand, I hated the reminder of what the future might hold for us. The past 3 years have passed so quickly, I can see Tara reaching 10 or 11 well before I am prepared for it! Sigh. I am missing Tara too much tonight, I am glad I have a couple of days off before I come back. I am always more cheerful after some time with Tara... more tired, but more cheerful. LOL

Thank you, Lord, for your strength and your Blessings in my life.
Lori

LaVera Called!

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 09:28:27 GMT

Lavera called me at work tonight. I was so releived to hear from her! She gave me her new phone number and said the doorbell has not been working, that she did not realize I had stopped by to see her until she got the note the other day. She was at work tonight, and said she likes the new job. Sounds like everything is fine, and she is going to check her schedule and give me a call tomorrow night to let me know if we can get together on Thursday. She is eager to see Mom and Tara! :-)

Also, I saw Denise tonight. She is probably buying a new car on Thursday and is going to give us a call to maybe stop by so we can see it. She feels like she needs something more reliable and roomy for travel nursing than what she has now. So everyone is doing good. :-)

I have a new admit baby who has been a real handful a lot of the night. Came in just a little early (mom has to have gallbladder surgery in a few days, so they took him 5 weeks early) and didnt think it was going to be any big deal, he is a big boy. But he is wimpy, and ended up on the vent with umbilical lines and the whole bit. I ran my tail off the first few hours here because I was trying to admit him while taking care of 2 other babies. My little colostomy baby is doing good. She had a real, honest to goodness bowel movement tonight!! Maybe the first REAL one in her entire life. She is 9 weeks old. But the gas pains have really been making her fussy on and off, and I have been so tied up with the new baby I think she feels neglected. Another nurse actually came in and cuddled her for me a bit while I was tied up with intubating and starting an IV on my premie. Her surgical incision where they closed her colostomy a week ago dehisted a few days ago, so she has a big bulky dressing and it is hard to cuddle her without making her hurt more unless you are used to how to handle her. The other little peanut I was taking care of last night is an adorable black baby who is 4 and 1/2 pounds. She is a real little doll. She is rooming in tonight and her parents are doing a great job with her. But she was supposed to gain weight to be able to go home, and she lost a bit. So she may have to stay another night. :-( Her mom is so disappointed.

Well, It is almost time for "H" to eat again. I better run. Lori

WOW!!

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 11:33:46 GMT

I listened to about 5 Dani Johnson calls tonight while I was working... Just had them playing away in the background as I worked. I really wish we could all go to her Seminar in Dallas in 2 weeks, but since it is going to be sold out soon, the best I can see is to squeeze out money for one of us to go this time, and then work on getting the rest of us (including Billi) to future ones as soon as we can.

In the mean time, I want to buy a few of her CDs and to keep listening to her calls FREQUENTLY!! The last one of June was great, about maximizing the last few days of the month... very applicable to us now. I hope I can get Angel to listen to it tomorrow.

I need to work extra hours, but man am I glad I am off tonight. I am really worn out. The Vent baby I have been taking care of is a BUSY little lady, and the little cleft lip/palate boy I had tonight was a much nicer match with her than the child she was paired with last night. His dad is a lawyer and made me feel good by telling me 1. how lucky Tara is that I am her mom, and 2. How wonderful for both Tara and the other child it would be if I end up choosing to adopt another child sometime down the road. That was a nice boost from someone who does not know me well, just talked with me about 45 min about our respective kids, but quickly formed a good opinion of my skills as a mom.

Well, need to go. Here is praying my car starts when I get off work so I can get home and get a little sleep this morning. :-) I hate mechanical gremlins... Lori

Tough Weekend

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 07:58:53 GMT

Well, it has been a tough weekend here at work. Last night my babies were just "difficult" ie: pulling out IVs, Pulling off Colostomy bags, etc.. but were pretty healthy for NICU kids. Tonight one of them is really having trouble breathing. I have spent most of the shift messing with her, trying to help her get comfortable and able to breath adequately. The night shift doc wants me to get her through without having to make major changes until morning, when we will call the surgeon that repaired her airway 2 days ago and make sure that our expected course of action is okay with him. I understand the doc not wanting to annoy the surgeon, but on the other hand... I took care of her the past 2 nights and I know for a fact that this is much differant than last night. sigh. I finally got her situated in a position that seems to help, and her breathing is a bit easier. If it gets worse again I am going to make the doc do something... one way or the other. My primary care baby, a little colostomy girl who is an absolute doll is going for exploratory surgery on Monday. Her dad came in to see her tonight with mom. I have developed a really good relationship with mom, but had never seen dad before. He didn't seem to really engage her like I would have liked to see. Of course, given my own history, I tend to be very cynical about the dads that don't come often and then don't want to be involved in the care when they are here. I know they are not all like my ex... but enough are that I don't trust any of them! LOL

I worked out for 30 min HIIT before work tonight, after eating an Access bar. Almost overdid it. I thought I had maybe pulled a groin muscle, but it is relaxing now, and I think I just worked it hard enough it was telling me so. I haven't been exercising regularly in awhile (since back before I got sick in April really) and I did a pretty thourough workout on the treadmill. It felt good. :-) And I am more awake and energetic tonight than I have been the past couple of nights. Someone was saying when I first got to work that they thought I had had too much coffee tonight! They were not used to me being such a chatterbox. Just wait until I get back to full speed on working out and losing weight, she hasn't seen ANYTHING yet. LOL

Tara's skin infection is clearing up, and she is getting the high dose Vit K every day, so hopefully when we go back to the Dr in a couple of weeks her blood work will look better. OOps, got to go. Lori

oh, how I hate Migraines!!

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 05:49:53 GMT

Had a really bad migraine on and off for the past couple of days. Could barely function. Did not get everything done I wanted or needed to by a long shot! But I did get all the essentials done. So my headache is mostly gone and I am back at work tonight. Plan to spend an hour or so hiking around the zoo with Tara and Mom and a friend from work (Denise) before I go to bed in the morning. Then need to be up by 4 to make some business calls.
Walking at the zoo in the morning will count as my 2nd cardio this week, so I am only short 1 so far... and I did weights 1 day, so need to do them 2 more to meet my goals for the week. We will see, but I am going to try.
My weight is down a bit to 240.5... I am hoping to break into the 230s by the beginning of the week. :-)
Tara has a Dr. appt on Friday morning and we are going to talk to him about her bruising so much. I imagine they are going to run some lab work to check various blood levels and make sure her heparin and Vit K doses are appropriate for her, as well as check her blood cell counts and stuff. I know that 2 year olds get bruised up alot, and my mom and I both bruise easily, but hers are definitely excessive and last longer than they should. Poor baby, like she needs anything else to have to deal with!
Karma had a doctors appt for her 1 year birthday today. She is up to almost the 50% on height and on weight, and slightly over 50% on head circ. Not bad for a baby that stayed in the 3 to 5% for months and months. She is doing wonderfully! We had a little birthday party for her last night, and got some cute pics. Unfortunately, that is when my migraine was at its worst, so I didnt get to enjoy it much. But I toughed it out until after the cake and presents.
Better get back to work. Lori

Happy July!!

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 11:47:43 GMT

Okay, haven't updated in a while... guess I will start with goals, fitness stuff, then my favorite subject...TARA! LOL

Goals: I am finally completely recovered from the surgery, so I am committing to working out with weights at least 3 times this week, and doing cardio at least 3 times this week. I will start with reasonable weights and NOT overdue and make myself unable to do anything for a long time like I am prone to do when I haven't worked out for awhile!

I will measure my food portions and work on getting back to 5-6 small meals a day (ie body for life type meals) instead of the way I have been doing it.

I will measure and record my water every day in my date book, and be accountable on here, with a minimum of 100 oz a day, and a goal of 150 oz a day.

I will record my hours of sleep and strive to average 6 to 8 hours of quality sleep in every 24 hours.

I will do at least 2 "fun" projects with Tara each week... painting, "art", dance lessons, something fun... working toward 1 a day. Playdough, reading and cuddling dont count!

I will post on my online boards at least 3 times a week.

I will do something toward improving my interpersonal relationships with "real" people each week (phone a friend, make a zoo date, drop a card in the mail...)

I will go to church or a church activity 1 time a week! I will schedule this in my date book and make it a priority.

Okay... That is enough of a stretch for this month I think!
Now, to update my fitness stuff for the month. I am 243 pounds. Down tons of inches (4 inches in my waist alone!) Feeling SO much better, more energy.

Tara is trying to be sick again, but I think it is an allergy to the new Hay we got. I am VERY allergic to grasses and hays. She started getting sick the day after we got hay from a new source. So she is banned from feeding horses right now, which breaks her heart. If she gets all better from the change, we might try letting her help again next week with a mask on. It will be a good way to teach her to wear a mask maybe. :-0 My releif is here, so have to run. hugz. Lori

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 09:48:11 GMT

Some nights seem to go on forever. Some just race by in a blur...
The time spent here is the same, only the pace, the perspective is differant.

Tonight I keep finding myself standing at the window, staring out into the world, longing to walk under the trees, feel the wind on my face, breath fresh air.

The view from up here is so beautiful, the skyline spread in a wash of blue and green in the evening, pink and purple tinted at dusk, a gorgeous blend of black and grey with bright sparkling diamonds of lights throughout the night. But it all feels so remote, so distant, so unreachable.

I dreamed of the ocean last night, heard the waves and the gulls in my sleep. Felt the sand under my feet. Smelt the salt and the fish and the seaweed.

I think I need a vacation. :-)

How to balance and prioritize the things in my life?

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 08:08:58 GMT

Well, it has been awhile since I have been on here. Things have been very crazy busy, and computer time to chat or even for a little introspective thought has been pretty low on my priority list. But I have about 45 min before my next baby is due to eat, and I am really struggling with how to prioritize my life right now. Maybe typing it on here with help. And if not... maybe one of my Lj friends will have some insight that will help me :-)
I have lost about 35 pounds (YIPEE!!).
Between the surgery and the new vitamins I am taking, I feel better and have more energy. But with working night shift, I still find myself tired and sleep deprived frequently. The switching constantly from a night schedule to a day schedule and back really wipes me out. I might get a chance to go to day shift here at the hospital soon, but that brings up another conflict... money versus the feeling better and I think working better with my family life. Anyway, I really need to start working out. My weight loss has plateued and I want to build my strength and endurance. But I dont feel like I have the time and energy to spend on it now. When I get a chance to work out, I always end up doing one of the other things on my to do list instead.
I have started a home business that I really enjoy.
It is recommending great products to people and helping them set up accts to buy direct from the manufacturer if they are interested and getting a commission for it. Part of it is educating people about products they already use and the more effective, healthier alternatives available. That is sooooo up my alley, as a nurse and as a person. But I have so much to learn to do it the way I want to... and I need the money from building my referal list to be able to have time to do more of the education and research. Right now I end up working so much that with taking care of Tara and trying to be part of the family when I am home, I dont have the time and energy to do all the "extra" things I would like to do to make the business what I envision it being some day... helping so many people to be healthier and more informed, while still providing a good living for our family. Helping other people who have limited options for whatever reason, build the same type of referal business... enough to give them the extra couple of hundred to get by every month, or enough to make it a full time job... whatever they want and need. I love the idea of helping people without having to punch the timeclock and go away from Tara, and follow the often stupid or counterproductive rules someone else makes up. But I cant do any of that until I actually have enough of a business to have some freedom. So right now I have to just let as many people as I can know about the products and about the dangers of the store brands, and try to learn all the other details as I go. I know that I am going to build a successful business of this, I am just torn on the how to of doing it. On one hand I want to do the personal, one on one of helping my friends and people I care about with the information I have, on the other, I hate the idea that they might think I am trying to profit off of them and would rather just advertise to strangers and let them come to me and ask for the information I have. So I am trying to do some of both. And feeling like I am not very effective at either one. My friends feel like I am trying to "sell" them something and I am not putting the time and energy into developing the contacts with strangers to get the numbers working for me yet to extent I want them to. LOL Part of it is I am just impatient. I can see what this business can do for our family financially, and I want it to all happen NOW. The slowly building checks are a good way to a build a business, I just am impatient to get from where I am now financially to where I plan to be by Christmas.
I want to spend more time with Tara. I want to be alert and awake and energetic throughout the day to enjoy the time I spend with her. I want to cherish every minute of her childhood. If I get into better shape, work the business enough I can afford to go to day shift, and then to go to part time... and maybe to even change to a differant job without the long commute and long shifts, then I will be able to do that. But to get there I have to spend the time away from her to work out, to sleep, to work the business... So I am constantly torn about how to balance it all.
Time to brag a bit...
Tara is doing so well. She is talking like crazy. And really understands so much more than I realized. She sings the alphabet song all the time... counts to 13 in spanish and english, can be gentle and sharing with Karma and with the animals... and can be an absolute brat sometimes. LOL She is so incredibly beautiful. And smart. I constantly wonder how such an incredible little person came from me. And I thank God for her, and for every moment I have with her, constantly. But I want so much more. I want the time to just relax and enjoy things with her... butterflys, flowers, favorite cartoons and books. And I resent how much of her time and our time together has to be taken up by her illness. And sometimes I have to ask God "why". Why this incredible child has to go through all this constantly. Why sometimes it seems like it has to be so hard, for her, for Mom, for me. But then I wonder if any of us would be the same people if it were not for her illness. Maybe she would not be as sweet and generous if she did not have to do so many hours of treatments every day, not be so empathetic at such a young age if she didnt have to go through so many medical procedures. I trust in God to take care of us all, but sometimes I wish I understood more, so I could know which things I should struggle to change and which things I should leave alone... I cant change her treatments or medications or the progression of her disease. Should I just cherish the "normal" time we do have and not worry about changing my job and our family set up too much? Maybe part of HIS plan has to do with her being with my family so much while I am working... or maybe not. Sigh. Anyway, that is a detour I didnt plan to take on here. I have carried a picture she painted last week to work with me every night this week and use it to keep her close while I am working.
This week at work has been tough. We have lost alot of babies recently. We took a little one off the vent and let him go yesterday morning... then last night we had a full term baby come in and had to let him go just after midnight... we have one here tonight that the parents are staying all night holding him because in the morning they are taking him off the vent and letting him go. Another little guy has been here for 6 months. He lost so much of his bowel.. but kept fighting. He has now re-blocked with a new bowel obstruction and has massive adhesions.. there is not enough bowel left to do surgery on, so he is a DNR and we are going to let him go the next time he codes. His mom is devistated, and a bunch of our nurses are torn up about it. The other 8 or 10 we have lost this month were all new babies... to little or too sick to live more than a few hours or days after they got here, but he has been here so long that many of our staff have gotten attached to him and his family. We have also had alot of our staff members quit, so the turn over is making everyone a bit uptight too. They are requiring overtime of everyone, and that is ticking people off and making more people quit. I wish they would finish remodeling our new unit so we could get into it and start getting settled a bit. I think that would help some of the staff issues. Although, I dont know. Turn over is high everywhere for nurses right now. They keep demanding more and more of us, and it is just as easy to make as much money at other jobs, or outside the hospital anyway. So more nurses are finding other ways to support their families. Finding other positions where they dont get floated, or have better patient/staff ratios, or less stress, or nicer doctors, or whatever.
Well, Anna is due to eat, so I better run. .............Lori

Memorial Day Weekend

Sun, 28 May 2006 04:00:30 GMT

Well, I haven't been on here in forever. I haven't been online much at all. Tara had to have surgery, not long after I totaled my car, then last week I had surgery. I haven't worked much, and when I did I felt pretty bad, so wasn't online or doing anything other than working to give good care to my patients. It is so much harder to take care of the babies and families really well when I am not feeling well. I feel like I have to push to get all my work done during my shift the last couple of months, where usually I have some free time in the middle of the night when I am all caught up and there are no families there needing me.
Anyway, I am healing slowly, although still have to be very careful what I eat and am pretty sore. This weekend is my Ex-husbands once a year mandated visitation with our daughter, so we drove almost 700 miles to Middle TN for him to see her. I felt pretty sore and sick by the time we got here, and she was tired, cranky, and had a diaper rash from being in the car seat so much. Then, he started whining that the motel I got was farther from his house then he wanted to drive to see her!! I was all prepared to pack up and head home if he was nasty or unpleasant with her at all, or if he gave me excessive greif over anything today. Then, once he got here, he started acting much more like he did last year when he saw her. He paid attention to her, took most of her cues about how fast to move into her space and how quickly she was willing to accept him, played with her letting her direct the play, etc. He stayed through her entire evening breathing treatments and CPT session (almost 2 1/2 hours just for that) which is the first time he has ever stayed for a full therapy session like that. At the end of the evening he changed his mind and said instead of sleeping late and coming to see her at 11am like this morning as he had originally planned he would be here at 9 am. I am so glad that she is getting these good visits with him. Whatever happens in the future she will have pictures and the stories me and my mom can tell her about these visits last year and this year. He has remarried to the woman he was fooling around with while we were married. She has a daughter a few years older than Tara. Judging by how he has treated his 2 older children, now 15 and 11 years old, I don't count on him maintaining any consistant relationship through the years with Tara, but I try to encourage it as much as is good for Tara. I can't have her do without things she needs and spend the money to bring her up here more often when we are broke, and he hasn't ever made the effort to come down there to see her. I need to make sure she is physically safe and her medical needs are met (ie, I can't just let him take her off for unsupervised visits when he doesnt have a clue what her special needs and requirements are)... but as much as I can I am trying to get him to send pics (unsuccessfully so far, although I do get some at each visit with my camera) to keep her photo album up to date, and try to interfere as little as possible in their interactions when we are visiting. Tomorrow he is supposed to get the older kids to come see her in the afternoon, which I would really like, as she needs updated pics and stuff of them. Steps come and go, but brothers and sisters are family. I am much more concerned with her developing a relationship with her brother and sister than with her dads new wife and stepdaughter. If they stay married a while I know that will change, but for right now it just doesnt seem a priority.
I am really excited by a new home business I started while I was off work so much the past few weeks. I found some kid friendly products that are better for the environment, better for TARA and our family, cheaper, and don't have many of the toxic fumes that bother both Tara and I so much. And, They work better than the regular brands for the most part!! The products are not sold in stores, and are not sold by people directly either. Instead, they are sold word of mouth and the person who refers a new customer gets a percentage of everything they buy as long as they stay a regular customer. So I dont have to sell, stock, take money, etc etc... but I can tell people about the great products I like, or show people I know the ones I am using in my home, and if they decide to buy stuff direct from the company, I make money off the sales. And I am not responsible for anything to do with the order other than the original referal and any further help I want to offer on trying new products or whatever. I am really excited. I have a few referals already signed up and should get a small check middle of this month, and a bigger one next month. I am going to use some internet advertising stuff to try to increase my referals and get the income up high enough to make up for me cutting back a bit at work.
Well, I better jump off of here for now. Morning with come early, and it will be another emotional day, dealing with not only my ex, but the 2 children I really came to love during our marriage that I now have basically nothing to do with, trying not to create tension with their dad and new step mom. And Tara and all her emotions during all this. Good night.... Lori

I am disappointed with myself...

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 10:31:58 GMT

I really started off Feb going great guns toward a new me. Working the Body for Life program. Using the exercycle when I was at home and lifting weights or jumping the mini trampoline when I was in Dallas. The first 8 days of Feb I did my journal and all the different parts of the plan mostly like I was supposed to do. Then, I had a few days I didnt feel well. Then Tara was sick. Yada Yada Yada. One excuse after another. So on March 3 when we did the one month measurements... mine are not down at all. Which REALLY sucks. I have been mostly staying on plan food wise, a few little splurges but more problems with not eating often enough and not drinking my water then with eating lots of stuff I shouldnt (hmm, seems like that is how I blow every diet now that I think about it...). The frustrating part is how inconsistent I have been with exercising. So I am recommitting to finishing out my 12 week challenge and working toward my goals as of today. I worked on my journal a bit after I got to work, putting in the food I ate and will eat tonight, and planning tomorrows menu. Putting in my 24 hour goals, and planning my exercise for tomorrow. Rereading my long term goals and reminding myself what I want to accomplish and why.

On the positive side, my weight is slightly down. My clothes feel like they fit better. I generally feel like I have more energy and more strength and flexibility... although the past few days I have been totally wiped out. Maybe because the past several nights at work have been very tough ones, very physical as well as nursing skill intense. I am concentrating on drinking my water and eating my food as planned tonight and see if that helps my energy level. Even if it doesnt, I am committing to working out when I get home one way or the other!! Last night 15 min on the treadmill wiped me out... and that is NOT okay~! I was doing 1 hour 10 min... 5 miles on the treadmill when I weighed 30 and 40 pounds more than I do now, and not being as tired as I was after the 15 min and less than 1 mile I did!

I really, really want to walk/jog a half marathon this year. I want to start riding horses again, badly enough I have seriously been thinking about paying someplace to rent a horse and take some lessons once a week to get myself to the skill level I need to be at to care for a horse, saddle and tack it, and ride well enough to ride with Tara. But I am so scared that I couldnt even haul my fat butt up onto the horse, with or without help, that I am afraid to try. How embarrassing would it be to schedule a lesson and not be able to getting into the saddle?? GRRR. So how do I strengthen the muscles I need to mount and ride without actually mounting and riding? I know the squats should help with that some, and they are some of the few exercises I have continued doing pretty consistently over the past month. I want to bicycle and it not kill my butt or my legs. LOL

So why is it so easy to make excuses not to do my planned workout? I know I feel better when I do them. I know that all the things I want to do require a higher level of fitness than I have right now, and the only way to change that is to become more fit. Sigh. I guess I just have to keep working at it and get past whatever it is that is holding me back so badly.

The week in Retrospect

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 10:27:49 GMT

Well, it has been a crazy week at our East Texas Funny Farm!

Everyone but me was sick, and I didn't feel well on Thurs and Friday.
I called in FMLA to take care of Tara Thur, Fri, and Sat... Only I forgot to call in on Sat until 30 min before the shift started! Yikes. I can't beleive I did that, but also can't beleive nobody called to check how we were doing. Oh, well. No huge repercussions on it that I can tell at this point. It may count against me on my eval next year, but I will worry about that in Sept.

I started BFL officially on Monday. I had kind of started it in November, then fell and hurt my foot so I really had a hard time exercising according to his schedule and just "kind of" followed the plan from then until this week. Lost 10 pounds anyway. :-) But I bought the "Journal to Success" and filled in the various exercises and things and Really, Officially started on Monday. Only thing I am not doing is buying his supplements, which I would have to do to be eligible for the prizes he gives out each year. I figure if I do well the next 12 weeks and want to do a REALLY official challenge this summer and buy the supplements, there will still be plenty of room for improvement at that point! LOL So this week I have stuck to the food plan, and even though I was really pretty icky feeling on Thurs and Friday I *mostly* did the exercise plan. As of Friday I was down 3 pounds. My official weigh in is tomorrow, so we will see how it goes then, but I am feeling really good about it. I can fit into my black size 22 pants that wouldn't even zip in December, and now they are actually baggy in the bottom. I feel like I am thinner in the waist and definitely more toned. Angel and I did measurements on Tues Jan 31 and will do them again at the end of the month and compare.

Angel has been doing a Sparkpeople calorie counting program. She is doing pretty well, and really starting to show some thinning in her body and especially her abd. She isn't seeing a lot on the scale yet, but she has only been at it 3 weeks, and has been sick with this "crud" most of that. Karma is growing (14 pounds at 7 months!) and really developing well.

Mom had to take antibiotics for her sinus infection with this stuff. I am hoping that I dodged the bullet and missed getting it at all.

This and That

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:46:27 GMT

Our Neonatologist just ran down the hall yelling, "He's got cooties, darn it, he's got cooties!" LOL It is one of the Docs I really like, has a sense of humor AND common sense... an unusual combo for a Doc!! They just admitted the 4th baby of the night and were hoping he was not really sick, but the labs came back showing he has an infection. The 26 weeker they admitted at change of shift weighs 440 grams... less than 1 pound. It is pretty unstable still, so we will see how it does over the next couple of days.
One of "my" babies is going home Sat or Sun. I am so happy for him an his family. And I am so pleased with how well his parents are doing at learning how to deal with the oxygen and feed pump and meds and stuff. :-)
I have a headache AGAIN! And am feeling kind of nauseous at the moment. Bloated feeling. I have to stop at the store when I get off work to get a few things, then I am going to head to the apartment and hopefully clean it up some before I pass out. Mom and Tara are coming in Today or Tomorrow and the place is pretty trashed. I haven't done a thing but sleep and eat there the past 6 days. Well, I took out the trash last night, but that is it.
Mom and Tara are both sick tonight. Mom has a migraine and sick to her stomach and Tara has a sore throat and cough. One of the ladies I work with took her son to the doctor last friday and he tested positive for the flu. God, I hope that is not what is going through our house. Tonight one of the moms was holding her baby and suddenly turned green and clamped her hand over her mouth. I grabbed a wash tub and she threw up in it. I am hoping THAT was not the flu too. That baby DOESN"T need any more challenges. She is doing so much better since the second round of Chemo therapy finished. Sigh. I hate winter viruses!!

Feeling Better

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 12:51:34 GMT

I am personally feeling a lot better today. Thank you, Lord! But almost everyone else in my family is sick. I am seriously hoping I don't catch the bug. And that Mom doesn't catch it. Tara is already sick, as is my stepdad, sister, and neice. They all came down with it about the same time. I am really being diligent about taking my vitamin C and other vitamins. Because of the time of the month and cramps and all, I have been really tired the past few days, and have skipped working out in favor or getting at least 7 hours of sleep a day. When I work long stretches like this I can really get worn out and that makes me more likely to get sick. On the other hand, I don't want to skip too many work outs. So this afternoon I am planning to get up early to do my laundry anyway, so plan to work out while the washer and drys are running.

Today is the first day in several that I have drank my water like I usually do. I am seriously thinking about finding out about getting bottled water delivered to my apartment. I really hate the Dallas water, and buying it by the 16 or 20 oz bottle at the store is a hassle and expensive. But tonight I have drank 6 bottles, plus 2 cups of hot tea. Since I am cutting the creamer out these days I am drinking more tea and less coffee. LOL That always happens when I do this. I really like my coffee better with creamer. But a pound a week isn't worth it. I would rather save those calories for high nutrient density foods if I am going to use them at all. I would really rather lose the extra pound a week. LOL

Tonight I forgot to eat dinner. I had 3 snacks... but never got around to going off the floor to eat a real meal. Sigh. That is one of the worst habits I fall into on night shift. I have to consciously make myself eat or I just lose track of it.

My babies did very well tonight. Oops, my relief is here, I have to go. Lori

Another crazy week...

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 07:34:57 GMT

Well, I had another crazy week. LOL So what else is new, hmmm? I will get the weight stuff out of the way first.

75 day challenge info
HW:360
starting wt:268
Last week: 265
this week: 264
weight loss: 1 pound
stg:240
ltg:160ish???
75d goal: 240... this is really sunrealistic at this point, I know, but it was my original goal so I am leaving it there. But my more realistic goal now is to be under 260 at the end of the challenge. And under 240 by May. I will firm my May goal up a bit as it gets closer and we see what is happening. If I can get myself doing cardio every day, and strength training 3 times a week, like I am wanting to, then I might start losing more and be able to make a better goal. But I have to stay healthy and functional first of all, and right now that doesnt seem to allow time to do daily cardio. But I will continue working toward that goal.

I am also considering doing a strict calorie count for a couple of weeks and see if I can find any major problems in my current eating plan. Just eyeballing it, it seems to be staying on the high end of my goal calorie range, but I am not sure, and once before when I wasn't loosing and I did the 2 week calorie count it really showed me a couple of problem areas. I am also going to work on not using cream in my coffee again. That always saves me tons of calories. Figure if it is 50 cals per cup and I drink 6 cups a day (a very reasonable average for me) that is 300 cals a day. That is over 1/2 a pound a week that I am not losing that I could be.

Mom and Bruce went away for a couple days (a kind of belated honeymoon) and had a good time. I was so glad. I wish they would take the time to do things together a bit more often. They always seem to have fun and both come back looking so much more relaxed and happy.

Billi is taking Cricket back to her place. In a way I will miss her. She is a pretty, sweet little mare, but I am also glad. I think we will all mess with the horses more with her gone. I know I am intimidated by the way they all act when I go out there right now. With Jewel and Patrick together and CupCake in a pen by herself I think I will be lots more likely to go out and throw a lead rope on one of them and brush them out or lead them around.

Tara is going to be having more therapy sessions from now on. It looks like 4 speech therapys a month in addition to what we are already doing. But the speech pathologist we are working with thinks that it is a prime time to really make a differance in her language and speech development right now, and so we need to jump on it hard. I am glad in several ways. I am glad that they are willing to be so aggressive with it and really make sure she gets what she needs. And in a funny way, I am glad that she could see that Tara needs the help. Sometimes it is so hard to tell what is right for her. My mom brain and my nurse brain get mixed up sometimes. In one way, I am so thrilled with how much more she is trying to communicate that I wasnt sure she needed any therapy, and in another I was concerned with the fact that she has not progressed farther with being understandable and using more complex speech. Anyway, I am anxious to see what progress we make with the therapist.

I love watching Tara with the animals and with Karma. She is so sweet and gentle. And she loves them so much. This week was adopt a shelter animal week and Pedigree dog food had all these commercials on before and after the cartoons I use for Tara's treatments. Everytime the puppies would come on Tara would start smiling and hollering "baby puppy" and "big puppy". LOL At some point in the future I am so going to enjoy watching her bond with her own dog or cat. (Don't worry, Mom, not for quite a while yet, but someday!)

My babies at work are doing so well. The Chemo Therapy baby is improving dramatically. We will find out tomorrow if she can swallow at all or if we are likely to be giving her a g-tube and nissan. Her liver is shrinking, and she is breathing easier with the pressure off of her lungs. She is so cute. And I adore her parents. Wish I could adopt them into our family!! LOL

The other little one is also progressing well. He is starting to look around and pay attention to his surroundings more. His father is beginning to "get it" about his condition, although his mom remains... irratic in her belief/understanding. But they both seem to be bonding with him and that is nice to see. So often at least one parent does not bond well with a baby who has physical abnormalities or mental handicaps, little less both, that for me to have 2 sets of parents who are both doing so well with such severely handicapped children is incredible. It sure does make the long shifts nicer to know that the babies are truely loved by their parents, regardless of the hardships ahead.

Today on the way to work the knob to the temp control on my heater/airconditioner in the car came off in my hand. Sigh. So I just rolled the windows down and let the breeze cool me. I will have to get that fixed when I take the car in to get the catalytic converter replaced in a couple of weeks. With all the car troubles we have had recently when it happened, all I could do was sit there and look at it laying in my hand for a minute. LOL then I set it beside me on the seat and rolled down the window and started laughing. It was laugh or cry, and laughing is more fun and doesn't give me a headache. Sheesh. What next? Never mind, God, I don't want to know. I will see when it gets here. LOL

If life is a Game, These are the Rules

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 10:44:35 GMT

by Cherie Carter-Scott,PH.D

Rule One- You will receive a Body
1. Acceptance
2. Self-esteem
3. Respect
4. Pleasure

Rule two-You will be Presented with Lessons
1. Openness
2. Choice
3. Fairness
4. Grace

Rule three- There are no mistakes, only lessons
1. Compassion
2. Forgiveness
3. Ethics
4. Humor

Rule Four- A lesson is repeated until learned
1. Awareness
2. Willingness
3. Causality
4. Patience

Rule Five- Learning does not end
1. Surrender
2. Commitment
3. Humility
4. Flexibility

Rule Six- "there" is no better than "here"
1. Gratitude
2. Unattachment
3. Abundance
4. Peace

Rule Seven- Others are only mirrors of you
1. Tolerance
2. Clarity
3. Healing
4. Support

Rule Eight- What you make of your life is up to you
1. Responsibility
2. Release
3. Courage
4. Power
5. Adventure

Rule Nine- All your answers lie inside of you
1. Listening
2. Trust
3. Inspiration

Rule Ten- You will forget all of this at Birth
1. Faith
2. Wisdom
3. Limitlessness

I hate migraines!!

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 01:59:03 GMT

I was honestly enthused about walking after work this morning. Yesterdays walk made me feel soooooo good. Then at 6am I suddenly got slammed with a migraine. Took some meds and it started easing off enough I could drive safely. I almost went ahead and tried to walk (I was telling myself that maybe the fresh air would make me feel better). Then I reminded myself that if my migraine increased I would be alone, away from home or the apartment and unable to drive. HMMM... decided not to chance it and went to the aptment. Took my meds and went to bed. Good thing, I think, because I am definitely "post migraine" tonight. Sore neck and back, fuzzy head, tender eyes. Otherwise I feel pretty good.

Since I didn't get to walk this AM I did some intense weights this evening. I did not have lots of time, but I did fewer reps at higher weights and did about 20 min that felt like a real work out. If I feel good in the morning I might do a quick 20 min walk before I leave Dallas. It might wake me up and help make me more alert on the drive. We will see how I feel.

Mom and Bruce are going away for a couple of nights tomorrow. I was thinking about buying mom a slinky nightgown just for the fun of it, but wasn't sure either of them would really appriciate it, so didn't. LOL

Tara has speech therapy coming Tuesday. I am so glad. She is so prime to really start communicating right now and I am not sure of the right things to do to help her. She chatters alot, but I can not understand much of what she says at all. Mom understands her better than I do. Of course, mom spends more awake time per week with her than I do, so she has an advantage. LOL I am so glad I get 24 hour a day for the next 3 or 4 days with her. I miss her so much!! But I feel so good about the fact that I am making some progress with our money too.

I started back into doing Dave Ramseys money program to get our finances in order. I used his program once before and it helped so much, then I kind of lost control of things again while I was doing the pregnancy/bedrest/hospital/divorce thing. Now it is time to regain control of my money. I would so love for mom and I to take the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class together. It is like 13 weeks of a once a week 2 hour class. Starts out helping you make a budget and financial goals and ends up with a plan to pay off all your debts, save in advance for future major purchases, have a savings accout, and be working on retirement and college funds. :-) They have classes in Longview, but I really don't think we could do it until after cold and flu season. Money, time, and infection wise. LOL I have started working on the principles though, starting a rough cash flow worksheet and debt list. It was kind of encourageing to see how small our list of debts really is.

It is funny how feeling like you are getting control of one part of your life motivates you to get control of other parts of your life. I feel like I am slowly gaining control of my weight and fitness and now I want control of my personal space (more organized, less clutter) and my money too. And starting to get control of the finances makes me feel more able to control the weight and fitness. That is a strange thing.

Well, off to weigh and bath my little Angels. Both of their parents are upset that I am going to have a night off, they are so used to me taking care of them the past couple of weeks that they are nervous about who will be here with them the next few days. That makes me feel good in some ways, but also uncomfortable that they don't have more confidence in the staff in general than that. So I am working to make sure the charts and rooms are in good shape to make it easy for whoever has them to see how we have been doing things and hopefully do things enough the same to reassure the parents. :0 Lori

Some days are just TOO good!

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 05:16:45 GMT

Hmmm, let's see. Started when I got off work and my paycheck was actually a little MORE than I expected, rather than less! Then I walked/jogged 3 miles on the trail by the hospital in 45 mins. It was very pleasantly chilly out. Tried to run to the fabric store to get a new blanky for Tara, but they didn't open for another 45 min and I was not up to waiting that long. I purposely set my alarm to allow me to sleep 7 hours and woke up feeling good. Got my chores done and a few exercises, then off to work on time. I found some sugar free chocolate with no aspartime in the gift store on the ground floor of the hospital and stopped to buy it (I have been having a major chocolate attack the past few days and couldn't find any non migraine inducing options at the store this week!!) So I clocked in 10 min late, but the girl I was releiving did not mind. Our babies had a great day and report only took a few minutes, so she still got to leave on time. Our Chemotherapy baby is responding SO well to the second round of treatment! Praise God. I almost started crying when I saw how good she looked yesterday. The other baby's parents are slowly beginning to realize how serious their infants condition is and I have spent a lot of time the past few days doing education with them. They are starting to learn how to hand his G-tube this week. He is actually progressing fairly well, all things considered.

I have gotten several things on my To-Do list done this week, which gives me a feeling of accomplishment, and I only have one more night after tonight and I get to spend 3 days at home with my baby!! Yippee! I miss her when I work the overtime, but I feel good about what I am accomplishing for our finances. My mom and stepdad are going away for a couple of days of romance, which I am happy to about. I think they both need the time away from the family to concentrate on each other and themselves for a little while.

I am pleasantly sore from the exercise the past 2 days, so I am really motivated to keep it up. I am going to walk/jog again after work in the morning. I need to do some weights tomorrow, but don't know if the time will work out. If not I will do them Sunday and Tuesday, on my days off work and at home. Lori

Daily update...

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 07:55:06 GMT

Well it is another night at work. I have the chemo baby and another baby with multiple anomalies tonight. I have had both of them a lot so it makes for a pretty smooth shift, as long as they both mind their manners! LOL I have really felt that I have been able to do a ton of teaching with both of these sets of parents. One of my favorite parts of my job, so it makes for a good night.

Well, I haven't worked out as much as I wanted to this week. But I have done something every day, and I am working on the "custom" exercises on my list, as well as the BFL stuff. I was doing a lunge the other day and went so deep that I couldn't stand up out of it and fell down onto my knee and had to push up off the floor with my hands. This had two sides... it was a bummer I couldn't just stand up from it, but it was cool that I could now drop my knee that far. I am doing better with the dumbbells and doing the exercises with proper form (I think). My strength still seems very low, but the exercises are definitely getting easier, so I must be getting stronger.

high weight: 360
Starting weight:274
last week weight:266
this week weight: 265
short term goal:240
Long term goal: 160-170
Down 1 more pound! Not making the 2 pound a week goal but at least I am losing. I am going to majorly step up my cardio this week and see if I can get it up to 2 pounds a week. I have never managed that regularly, through this whole weight loss journey, so it would be really a boost to do it now.

On the other hand, I can feel a big differance in my clothes, which is really much more important than what the scale says. I would rather the size of my body shrinks and the scale stays the same than the other way around. I am just greedy and want both to shrink! LOL I know that the strength training and cardio is the way to do that, it is just slower than I would like.

Tara is growing and changing every day. She is so amazing. Thank god for my precious darling! She has a bad rash right now, we have been fighting for awhile. First we thought it was the diapers, so we changed diaper types. It got better, than came back. So we thought it was the feeding/med regimen and we changed that. No better. So maybe the wipes. Changed to a differant brand. Got better for 1 day, now back. Sigh. Might have to take her to the doctor and let them see it. Only if it is like the last one we did that for, it went away the morning of the appointment, looked fine in the Dr. office and came back a couple of days later! LOL

I am working a ton of overtime, but it should cover the van repairs and a few other things, although not all the doctor and med bills. I am going to have to chip away at them for a few months!

Got to run now. Lori

Quick update

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 11:00:45 GMT

Well, I am working hard this week, although it should get a bit easier after tonight. They are changing my assignment starting tomorrow, to split up the babies I have been taking care of into 2 assignments, because they are soooooooo busy and have so much going on, and are really not appropriate to be paired together (one is between chemotherapy treatments, with a very low white count and the other has a genetic disorder causing a malfunctioning immune system among other things). I should continue taking care of the chemotherapy baby with an easy little feeder/grower/oxygen baby tomorrow.

My weight yesterday was 265, so that is down another pound! Yippee! I did the stationary bike the days I was home, and have done some activity each day here in Dallas so far. I really wanted to walk on the trail by the hospital this morning, but it was still darkish and I was just too nervous to go walk out there by myself without it being fully light out. In a few weeks it will be light enough to walk other there after work, but in the mean time I am going to just use my mini trampoline and exercise videos.

I am working on the askstonecold challenges right now, so will stop at the store either this morning or tomorrow morning and pick up some kind of fruit and veggies I have never eatten before (if I can find some). Not sure how I am going to do the walking challenge, but I am working on ideas.

Tara is having mostly normal drainage out her ears now, no more blood for the past few days. She is no longer acting like she is in pain, although she has been coughing more. But she is back on inhaled Tobi this month, and that can apparently cause coughing. She is being a total 2 year old. LOL She is so smart sometimes it is scary! Her speech is still pretty hard to understand, but it is obvious her vocabulary is growing, even if nobody (except perhaps Karma!) can understand what she is saying. They are supposed to get a speech therapist coming out this month to evaluate her. The developmental specialist comes next Mon or Tues, so hopefully she will know when the Speech lady is coming.
She seems to have lost a bit of weight, weighing now about 35 pounds and over 36 inches tall. Having some really horrible CF stools lately that really burn her skin and make her hurt. We are playing with enzymes and stuff to try to regulate it.

Well, I need to go do end of shift stuff. Hope you are all having a great day. Hugz, Lori

Happy New Year!

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 04:00:24 GMT

You know, it is amazing how small things can make you feel so differently about how you look. I have only lost a few pounds, but I FEEL like my face looks different and I have had 2 people at work tonight say they can tell I am losing weight. I know part of it is I am feeling good about myself and that changes how you carry yourself and how people perceive you, but I think I really do have a less puffy look in my face. Considering that I am pretty sleepy and my eyes feel very puffy and heavy (from the inside if that makes any sense) I am especially surprised that I look good.
I had a little jolt toward my new years goals tonight. I have previously written children's stories, but lately had not completed anything. Well, one of my new years goals is to complete a rough draft of a story I have been working on a bit this year, not childrens'. The mother of one of my patients, who has only known me 2 weeks and who had no idea that I write anything at all, made the comment that I should be writing childrens stories. She feels that God has given me a special heart and gift for children and I should share it with many more than I currently do. So I think I am going to add completing a childrens story to my goals. What I really want to make part of the goals is that I will actually send a story into a publisher. I have a completed story from a few years ago that just needs polishing a bit that I was told by a published author was publishable that I never sent anywhere. I just don't know that I have the courage to do it. I had lots of reasons for not getting around to it before. Busy, Tired, too complicated, unsure of the process, etc. But the truth is I am really scared. I am not sure how well my ego could take rejection of my stories by professionals. As long as I don't send them in I can dream that they are good enough. I am not sure I am ready to face losing that dream if I am wrong. On the other hand, I am not sure I am ready to face the reality of the dream coming true if I am right. Does that make any sense at all? It is kind of like the ambivalence many of us feel about losing weight and getting in shape. It is a wonderful fun dream, but the reality is we often sabotage ourselves because we can not handle the realities of the dream coming true. What if I get skinny and I still feel awkward and uncomfortable socially? What if people still don't want to hang out with me? I can't blame no dates on my weight if I am not overweight. On the other hand, what if I have lots of opportunities to date and socialize? Do I even want that pressure? I would have to make decisions about my time and priorities that I don't currently need to deal with, as I don't have the options. What if I am given the opportunities and I make horrible mistakes, like I did choosing both my husbands? How much more could I screw things up with lots of different choices rather than the few my weight has limited me to up until now. So I fear failure in both arenas, but I fear success just as much. Both as a writer and as a healthy, sexy adult I need to find my courage and face whatever the realities bring, good or bad. So maybe I will put sending a story to an agent or publisher on my list for this year along with all my workout goals and money goals. If I can push past the fear with my writing, perhaps it will help me push past the fear with my weight.
Wow, this ended up being much more introspective than I had planned for right now. LOL I think I will x-post it on 100lbs2lose and see if it strikes a cord with anyone there.
Anyway, Happy new Year to all of you. Hope this is the year you get the chance to live all your dreams and become the You you want to be. Lori

Time to get going again...

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 06:41:37 GMT

Well, Christmas is over. It is time to get myself moving again (literally!) and get back on track. My foot aches a lot, but doesn't actually hurt, even when I walk or use the stairs, so it is time to get over it. Tara is feeling better, and is finishing her antibiotics, so we can start back to doing Mommy and Me walks and stuff. I am also VERY eager to start using our new learn to dance DVDs and learn some real dances. The set I bought has Salsa, Rumba, Line Dancing, and all sorts of other things on it. I think this will be a fun workout with the kids. I have been being very careful of what I eat, so even without working out I have lost a little weight the past week, which puts me down a couple of pounds for the month. But more than the pounds, I can feel a little differance in my clothes. I am very eager to drop back down into the clothes that were so comfortable a year ago.
My New Years Goals are:
1. Be less than 240 by the first of May (when I go to Tenn and hopefully see some of my friends from up there, and to start the summer in decent shape)
2. Be under 200 by next New Years
3. Finish rough draft of Unknown Universe
4. Finalize financing/add on for property
5. Live within my budget, including a reasonable savings acct
6. Develop a personal space and use it regularly (bedroom, sitting room or office...decorated with my pics, shelves, my personal tastes--NO boxes, clutter, etc)
7. Consistantly work out 5 days a week
8. Read with Tara every single day I am home
9. Attend Church/Read Bible weekly
10. Take a class or develop a new hobby
That sounds pretty ambitious, doesn't it? But there are lots of other things I really want to add... learn spanish, learn sign language, bike regularly, take vacation to the ocean... lots of things, but they don't make my major goals list because I really do want it to be attainable.

Tara's doctor visit went well. She did not handle the port flush as well as she has the past few months (by a long shot) but it was no where near as bad as putting the ear drops in has been this week. Poor baby, she has had a really hard time this month. But her cough is lots better and we finish the antibiotics tomorrow, so I am hoping the worst of this bout is behind us. For anyone who is interested, pics of the most Gorgeous, Smart, Miraculous little red head in the world are here: http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=8785408&uid=1789872

Ok, down to my fitness specs for this week. I lost 2 pounds! I am back to taking the stairs (as of last night) and my foot is holding up okay, so in the morning I am going to do a 20 min BFL cardio walk/run after work before I go home. Then I can do upper body Sat. Hopefully this will kick my fitness program back into high gear. Josh gave me some good leg exercises, so I am actually working on the lunges here at work tonight when I get too sleepy to keep my eyes open. Today was a second short sleep day in a row which makes for a long night.

75 day challenge info
HW:360
starting wt:268
Last week: 268
this week: 266
weight loss: *** -2 pounds***
stg:240
ltg:160ish???
75d goal: 240... this is really stretching it, but I want to try.
This was so great for me this week. With the injury and illness at our house the past couple of weeks, I have not worked out at all, so the wieght loss was a pleasant surprise. My foot is mostly better, just a constant ache now, so I started parking on the second level of the garage again last night (forces me to take the stairs back and forth to my car) and am going to start my work outs in the morning. I know the 240 goal is not realistic at this point, but we will see how close I can get.

Well, off to prep my baby for OR in the morning. Lori

The last piece...

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 14:04:26 GMT

I received this in my email and thought it a beautiful and timely story. I hope all my special friends here will enjoy it as much as I did. :-) Lori
**********************************

One Christmas we had an interesting experience that I would like to
share.
Halfway through December we were doing the regular evening things when
there was a knock at the door.

We opened it to find a small package with a beautiful ceramic lamb
inside.
We looked at the calendar and realized that it was 12 days to Christmas.
When the gift of a matching shepherd arrived, we realized that the lamb
was part of a nativity set.

Each night we grew more excited to see what piece we would receive. Each
was exquisitely beautiful. The kids kept trying to catch the givers as
we slowly built the scene atthe manger and began to focus on Christ's
birth.

On Christmas Eve, all the pieces were in place, but the baby Jesus. My
8 year-old son really wanted to catch our benefactors and began to
devise all kinds of ways to trap them. He ate his dinner in the car
watching and waiting, but no one came. Before the kids went to bed we
checked the front step - No Baby Jesus! We began to worry that my son
had scared them off.

Somehow something was missing that Christmas Eve. There was a feeling
that things weren't complete. The kids went to bed and I put out
Christmas, but before I went to bed I again checked to see if the
Jesus had come - no, the doorstep was empty.

As they awoke the kids checked to see if perhaps during the night the
Baby Jesus had come. Missing that piece of the set seemed to have an
odd effect. At least it changed my focus. I knew there were presents
under the tree for me and I was excited to watch the children open
their gifts, but first on my mind was the feeling of waiting for the
ceramic Christ Child.

We had opened just about all of the presents when one of us found one
more for me buried deep beneath the limbs of the tree. He handed me a
small package from my friend. I was touched when at Church on the day
before Christmas, she had given me this small package, saying it was
just a token of her love and appreciation.

As I took off the bow, I remembered my friendship with her and was
filled with gratitude for knowing her and for her kindness and
sacrifice in this year giving me a gift. But as the paper fell away
I began to tremble and cry. There in the small brown box was the
baby Jesus. He had come!

I realized on that Christmas Day that Christ will come into our lives
in ways that we don't expect. The spirit of Christ comes into our
hearts as we serve one another. We had waited and watched for Him to
come, expecting the dramatic "knock at the door and scurrying of feet"
but He came in a small, simple package that represented service
friendship, gratitude, and love.

This experience taught me that the beginning of the true spirit of
Christmas comes as we open our hearts and actively focus on the
Savior. But we will most likely find Him in the small and simple
acts of love, friendship and service that we give to each other.

This Christmas I want to feel again the joy of knowing that Christ
is in our home. I want to focus on loving and serving. More than that
I want to open my heart to Him all year that I may see Him again.

May your heart find many reasons to praise Jesus during this
Christmas season. It is during this time we remember our families
and loved ones, AND JESUS.